WHEN I GOT my first Urantia Book in 1968, I eagerly opened it and began at the beginning, as I had customarily begun reading any book. Alas, it was not sinking in. It's not only that I couldn't understand it, it was as if I could not see it, as if my mind's eye could only discern a blur. It was like my eye of perception was not seeing things clearly, no matter how I tried, no matter how earnestly I wanted to. I despaired. I closed the book. I faced the fact that I was not smart enough. I was not mentally competent to understand this revelation. Ashamed of my ignorance, I nonetheless knew that I would never be able to "get it."

My neighbors, however, who were not that much smarter than I was, continued to rave about it and I wanted so much to be included in their discussions. I so wanted to be in the "in crowd" of those who knew about this tome, with its life-altering, mind-expanding concepts, but each time I tried to read it, I met with that same blank wall.

One day, weeks later, in desperation for a cosmic connection to some kind of spirit reality that would deliver me from the limitations of the wee small perspectives I had been taught, I faced it once more. Having searched for so long to find this book, how could it deny me access?! I opened the book wide, to the middle. Anywhere! And my eye fell on a page, and the words were suddenly clear. I was able to see. I fell into that hole of clarity as surely as Alice fell in the rabbit hole while chasing the White Rabbit.
Like Helen Keller, finally connecting the sign for water with the fact of water, I was beside myself with glee. I was smart enough! I was good enough! I was going to be alright! I would be able to pursue my own destiny.

After reading one sentence, my head was swimming, my imagination was all over the map, my mind was bouncing up and down with new perspectives. I was so relieved. I was so thrilled to have been given the key to see the truth printed on these pages, to be able "to see with eyes to see." I realized I was exhausted -- exhausted from looking; exhausted from finding.

The next time I approached the book, I opened it arbitrarily again and found I could read a whole paragraph before exhaustion overtook me. Eventually my capacity was exercised such that I was able to read a whole paper without feeling physically and psychically overwhelmed. After dabbling here and there in its pages for about six months, reading about Adam and Eve in the Garden, the Marriage Papers, and other concepts that were able to sit comfortably within my mind, I began again at the Foreword and was then able to read the book from cover to cover.

The Urantia Book has continued to enlarge, expand and enhance my life ever since and shows no sign of stopping. So when I see folks carrying on intelligent conversations way above my head about such things as absonite reality and triodities and other advanced concepts, I don't worry about the fact that my eyes glaze over and it does not register in my brain. It will register when the time is right. I didn't get the Supreme when I first read it either. As a citizen of the universe, I may not always get what I want when I want it, but when I try, at some time I will get what I need.

What I need now is the relationship with my indwelling God fragment, and the assurance of God's upholding the universe, and the security of knowing who I am and my place in the scheme of things, and what I can do to assist the divine conspiracy. We are "beings who could know God, receive the divine affection, and love him in return." It don't get any better than that. O

Gerdean is author a UB-inspired fantasy novel, The Zooid Mission   Click on book to read about it In this 2002 book she prophetically named the correct date for the August 14, 2003, East Coast blackout, told in the article The Amazing Gerdean Gerdean is also a fabulous artist! Visit her studio by clicking here or click on her painting below